Solid Ground

MEMORIES...

2011-12-31T10:27:00.000-08:00

...of a New Year so many years ago.

Another Birthday...A Real Celebration

2011-12-19T07:28:00.000-08:00

For the past two years, every benchmark of this experience of having lost my only child has been a trial. From the "celebration of her life," to the missed birthdays, graduation, Thanksgivings, Christmas and New Years, I have felt I had to put on that smile that said, "everybody relax, I am doing fine." A strange thing happened this weekend when we all gathered for Brittney's 20th birthday and balloon release...I didn't have to put on that "I'm ok" costume, and I didn't suffer the crippling grief hangover that always follows the next day. To some this might seem like a small step forward in the grieving process. To me, it is nothing short of a Christmas miracle!

Together Forever...Through the Grace of God

2011-10-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

What gives me strength? That I know you know this now.
I may have lived almost two years without you HERE...
but I have not lived a moment WITHOUT you.
Thank you God for that amazing gift!

I lift my eyes up to the mountains,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2

When Faith Stops the Fall

2011-10-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

Many parents who had lost children told me that the second year would be harder than the first...and they were so right. In the second year, I was no longer numb, no longer in denial, and was left with the full force reality that this is forever. As I was coming up on the one year anniversary of Brittney's death, I was not prepared for the setback that would hit me on November 8th and the months to follow. In my desperation I clung to what I knew was my only hope for peace...my heavenly Father.

It is overwhelming when I think about the change from this time last year. Just a month short of the second anniversary of my sweet angel's death, I feel the strength of the Holy Spirit on a daily basis. I love life, live in the light of the Lord, and look forward to each day knowing that Brittney is safe and living happily in the grace of God.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Mathew 19:14

Friends and Fireworks

2011-07-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Brittney~

I remember the 4th of July being one of your favorite days of the year. You loved to go down to the lake with all your friends early in the morning and set out the blankets to save your spots for later when it would be packed with people. I have talked to some of your friends, and they are all heading down in the morning to lay out their blankets...and they are ALL thinking about you. They may not realize it, but I know exactly where you will be. So watch over them, keep them safe, and enjoy the firework show.

Love Mom

P.S. I know you already know this, but even though I miss you everyday...

I am totally OK now

The Good, the Bad, and the Bathroom: Floating in the Eye of the Storm

2011-05-20T17:26:00.000-07:00

I consider it a sign of true healing that I can finally look back and think about those first months after Brittney's death without a surge of raw emotion. As the memories come into focus, Iam noticing some interesting things. I lived those many months as if in a movie where the audio was running a second behind the video feed. Nothing was really in sync, and I always had a strange feeling that my mind was no longer fully connected to my body. At the time, I would have described it as "being numb" or "in a fog". Now, as I look at it with a more objective clarity, I am astounded at the beauty of that transitional period in my life.

The "bad" in the aftermath of Brittney's death needs little explanation. My whole world exploded into a million pieces in the space of three hours. My life would never be the same again; and at the time, it seemed like it had ended just as if it had been me in the accident that night. The "bathroom incident," which I just remembered for the first time resently, is a true reflection of how lost I felt during this period of my life.

By January following that ill-fated November night, my husband and I had come to a point where we moved through our daily lives in a muted existance...both clearly wrapped up in the kind of grief that leaves no room for words. On the way home from a job interview, we had stopped at a McDonald's to use the restroom, and I followed him silently into the building, so lost in my thoughts that I was barely aware of where I was going. It wasn't until I was behind Ryan at the stall door that I realized I had followed him right into the men's restroom. I was mortified, and turned immediately to make a quick exit. Unfortunately, I had to exit past the urinals where a man was frozen with the same morified look that must have been on my face. It was a sign to me about how truly disconnected I was. The beauty in this period of my life is just now revealing itself...not in the embarrassing, disconnected, numb experiences that overwhelmed me at that time, but instead from the protective light that I can see now as I look back to those trying months of my life.

I lived all of those moments in what can only be described as "the eye of the storm." At no other time in my life have I moved so perfectly forward, and at no other time in my life would that have seemed so impossible. It is beyond comprehension that in the middle of such an incredible storm, something peaceful, reassuring, glorious and graceful could have been taking place all around me. But as I look back now, it is crystal clear. God is, was, and forever will be my "eye of the storm". I will spend that rest of my life in awe of this miracle.

One Incredible Mother's Day

2011-05-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

This is my second Mother's Day without Brittney. Last year at this time, I was still in a daze over her sudden departure from my life. I also struggled with the feeling that, since she was my only child, I may not even qualify any more as a true mother. I have realized over the course of the last year that the experience of motherhood can never be taken away.

This morning, I woke up to the familiar sound of an incoming text message....followed by another...and another...and another! This pattern went on for a good part of the day. These happy Mother's Day messages came from family, friends, past students and MANY of Brittney's close friends. They were filled with funny memories, assurances that Britt would be hovering over me all day today, and reminders of the wonderful relationship Brittney and I had. I briefly wondered if they had all gotten together and planned this bombardment of well wishes, but then I remembered that they were from a number of unrelated social groups in different locations. Regardless of how it happened, I consider it a Mother's Day miracle. None of those people can truly know how beautifully they have honored the memory of Brittney and helped me once again to feel the specialness of this day.

Not MY Girly-Girl

2011-04-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

Brittney could NEVER be described as "sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice"....she was always most comfortable on a soccer field or basketball court or anywhere else she could showboat and be the center of attention. She was by no means a "girly-girl" and never was the slightest bit interested in formality or ceremony. I feel lucky to have these two precious pictures of times that she gave in to the high school social norms, and actually attended a formal dance. No...it was not her style; and yes...she is clearly out of her element as is obvious from her less-than-thrilled expression in both pictures, but I love that she had the experience. She didn't get a chance to receive her high school diploma, she didn't walk down the aisle with the man that she loved, and she didn't feel the joy of looking into the eyes of her first-born baby, but she was always a risk-taker. I am thankful that during her short time here, she wasn't afraid to live life...even when she wasn't in her comfort zone.

I MISS MY DAUGHTER; I LOVE MY LIFE

2011-04-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

If I dropped something precious and it broke into pieces, I wouldn't go for the scotch tape or a glue stick to repair it. Yet that is what I have done all my life by following a path of self-reliance and one-dimensional faith. It was when I finally faced broken-ness that I couldn't attempt to fix on my own, that I first had the incredible experience of God's workmanship. He came in with steady hands and super-glue and restored the the pieces to a beautiful whole. I lost my precious Brittney and found a true relationship with God at the same time. I have thrown out the scotch tape, and am now turning it ALL over to the Man with the super-glue. In my whole life, I have never felt such peace. I miss my daughter...but I love my life of faith.

Embracing the Journey

2011-04-03T17:29:00.000-07:00

Life is a journey...everyone can expect ups and downs, triumphs and trials. For me, it was the utterly unexpected...the unimagineable that shocked me into really taking a hard look at my own journey. The year prior to Brittney's death, she and I had faced some extreme challenges in our lives, both together and individually. Miraculously, everything that had been broken was on the mend at the time of her passing...and that wasn't an accident, it was truly devine intervention.

Over the past 18 months, I have definitely suffered the kind of grief that only those who have lost a child can really wrap their heads around, but at the same time, I have been given so many gifts from God that it overwhelms me just to think about it. At critical moments, I have experienced the kind of peace and inner joy that I didn't even know existed. I have not felt a second of loneliness since Brittney's death. At first I thought that was because God allowed Brittney's spirit to stay right next to me, to help me with the pain. Now I realize that it was God Himself who has remained so close to me all this time. I was also able to relocate over 2500 miles, put my daughter to rest, re-strengthen my strained marriage with the love of my life (Brittney's dad), find a wonderful new place to live, get a job that I love, and find a church that I would be lost without....all this within the first six months after this devastating loss. I know without a doubt that was orchestrated by God, not me!

God has picked me up and guided me in the right direction. He has led me to people and places that are clearly integral pieces to finishing this beautiful puzzle. He reminds me on a daily basis that my journey is not over, and that as difficult as it may seem at times, I need to finish the race...and He will be right by my side when I do.

Getting the God "Go"

2011-03-12T12:37:00.000-08:00

I just attended a weekend Living Proof Ministries conference with bible teacher and author, Beth Moore. I still have trouble wrapping my mind around the way God has taken hold of my life and led me to answers over the past two years...and all I had to do was let him! The metaphor Beth used for her message came from a segment of Jeremiah 31:21-“Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Take note of the highway, the road that you take...." She used the concepts of STOP, YEILD, and GO in coordination with scripture that included these ideas to point out the plan God has for each of us. It is so bizarre how in a room of 6,300 people, it feels like He is speaking directly to me!

While the stop and yeild concepts offered an incredible amount of understanding and acceptance to me regarding the places I have been recently, it was during the GO message that every person around me ceased to exist and I felt like God was talking just to me! The "take away" that I have from this awesome intervention is "You are there, she is safe with me; you have a purpose, she has served hers. She will be here waiting when you have served yours."

In an unmistakeably clear voice, God said Go...and now I will!

My Daily Bread "Aha" Moment

2011-03-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

"And give us this day our daily bread...." I've read it, known it, recited it for longer than I can remember. I had always interpreted the meaning in a very literal way: The Lord will provide us with the food and water we need to survive. He will give us food when there seems to be none...like the fish and loaves, and the manta in the Bible. Boy did I miss the boat!

The sensation of being filled with the Holy Spirit is new to me, and that is what sparked the aha moment. "Daily bread" has nothing to do with food, it's about something so much more critical to survival: A true relationship with God. The irony is that without the tragedy of losing the most important person in my life, I would not have discovered what was really most important in my life. When the realization hit me, it was one of those experiences where it feels like your heart skips a beat and time stands still for a fraction of a minute. At the weakest point in my life, it was God's love that gave me the strength I didn't have.

One Sweet Dream...

2011-02-22T18:34:00.000-08:00

For the past six months, the dreams have been relentless. Throughout my life, I had rarely remembered my dreams...and even after Brittney's death, that remained the same. But coming up on my daughter's one year angelversary, this changed drastically. Here's the weird part: The dreams are fast-moving and feel like they last all night, yet I never wake up. I remember vivid (and strange) details throughout the next day. While the events that take place in these dreams are a mix of ordinary events, bizarre happenings, and on occasion, borderline nightmare material, they rarely have anything to do with trauma that has gone on in my life. The biggest issue when this all started was that I would wake up exhausted like I had been up all night, and then I would obsess the entire next day about what it all meant. I went to my doctor, was referred to a specialist, saw a counselor and was prescribed medication. While none of this stopped the dreams, I have been able to accept the pattern and dismiss the dreams each morning. Since I stopped allowing them to attack my psyche, the dreams no longer get the best of me.

While most of these dreams have made absolutely no sense to me and don't seem to connect to anything in my real life, there was one sweet exception. In this dream, I was in the shower getting ready for work. Brittney was sitting, legs extended, on the edge of the tub with the shower curtain draped over her shoulder. She was persuasively reeling off all the reasons I should call in sick to work that day so she and I could go shopping. I objected over and over (just like I had done countless times in the last few years of her life when she played the "get mom to take me shopping" game). But it all ended the way it always did...with Brittney saying, "you know you want to!!!" and me caving in....because she was right, I really did want to!

Brittney was so amazingly real in this dream that when I woke up, I wasn't sure that it hadn't really happened. This is the only time I have dreamt of Brittney since her death, but it has also triggered memories of a series of startling dreams I had about Brittney and I when she was just a little girl. I know better than to let all this take up space in my brain and make me feel crazy, but I have decided to pack it all away in the back of my mind, and wait for the answers (if there are any) to come.

Lived life....and loved to laugh

2011-02-20T08:36:00.000-08:00

Oh YES...there were times when her high jinx were over the top. I had to go into her school more than once for "situations" that had quickly gone bad as the adults in charge had failed to appreciate the humor. As a teacher myself, I definitely know that harmless fun from a kid's point of view can very quickly turn into disruption and chaos in the classroom. The reprimands she received at school and at home in these cases pretty much fell on deaf ears. It was a part of her spirit...who she was.

Now, as I browse through memories on a daily basis, these are some of the ones that surface quickly to the top and replay over and over. My Brittney's sense of humor was golden. When I think about all the fun we had during her short lifetime...all the hilarious things she said and did, and all the rooms she lit up with her personality, I just can't help but smile.

When I ran across this picture recently, I had to laugh out loud. This is Brittney making fun of my "WAY too eighties" leather backpack that I carried to and from school each day. I don't know where that backpack went to, but if I could find it, I would use it every day again just to remember how mortified she was that I actually went out in public with that thing on my back!

I love you, Britt! Your smile and laughter will forever stay in my heart and mind.

A CHILD'S-EYE VIEW

2011-01-29T08:03:00.000-08:00

With my mind still on the book Heaven is For Real, I keep thinking about a strong message that came through to me regarding how much Jesus loves and protects children. I consider myself a child of God, and would have normally interpreted that as applying to me and all believers...but this message was more than that. It was about a "quality" of belief; a "child-like" acceptance from a population that doesn't know how to doubt, or worry, or grieve.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 (NIV)

Heaven is for Real

2011-01-23T12:56:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo, about his four-year old son Colton's amazing reports of having been to Heaven during a life threatening surgery. As a child-loss mom, I found so many important reassurances in those pages. I have always been certain of Brittney's salvation, but during her nearly 18 years of life, we rarely spent more than a few days apart...never more than a week. Being away from her this past year has been extremely difficult. Reading this book gave me sort of a feeling of getting a "letter from camp" about what a wonderful time she is having. This is a must read!

SKYPE

2011-01-17T10:17:00.000-08:00

If I could Skype to Heaven,
I’d do it every day.
We’d talk about the weather,
You’d see that I’m OK.

We’d laugh about old memories;
Relive those times we had.
We’d know that God had purpose
In times that seemed so bad.

We’d talk for long, long hours,
Not wanting it to end,
We’d make plans for tomorrow
When we’d Skype together again.

Technology's amazing,
But Heaven beyond its scope,
May our bond forever strengthen,
Through blind faith, and love, and hope!

PEACE

2011-01-16T19:34:00.000-08:00

Peace - free slideshow

Still putting together the "pieces"...

On the night of Brittney's death, her dad was 2,400 miles away in Washington state. Everything had happened so quickly, I didn't even call him until after she had passed. The shock and devastation he felt when I made that gut-wrenching call is indescribable.

Earlier that night (about the time of the accident), Ryan had run across an old laptop that we hadn't used for years. Out of curiosity, he booted it up to see whether it still worked. As it came to life, a file opened and pictures started popping up on the screen. This had never happened before and he found it odd, even without the knowledge that something catastophic was happening in Corpus Christi, Texas that would change our lives forever. The pictures on the screen were of Brittney and her friends, many of which featured Britt with a big smile displaying a peace sign.

In thinking about that incident later, Ryan and I were both convinced that it was Brittney's way to say goodbye to her dad, and to let him know she was at peace. Over the past year, I have continued to run across pictures of Brittney with that familiar peace sign. Strangely, I hadn't noticed what a constant theme this was for her. I can't help but feel there is much more to this sign than I realize. One thing that I know is that my angel, Brittney, IS at peace with the Lord!

The Christmas Maze

2010-12-24T13:09:00.000-08:00

This morning I tried to re-ignite some of the old feelings I had as a child at Christmas time, but as hard as I tried (mostly just to see if I could), it didn't work. I can easily recall the memories...I just can't reach the feelings. It is such an odd phenomenon...as if the switch that connected anything positive to the holidays has been turned off.
So I resign myself to "what it is...." This year, and the years to come, I will enter the maze as the holidays near. I will expect a feeling of progress only to be met with constant dead ends, waves of isolation and frustration, and the knowledge that regular back-tracking will just be part of getting through the season. Eventually, the end of the maze will appear and I will be able to move forward through another year.

2010-11-29T18:08:00.000-08:00

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted

Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T10:18:00.000-08:00

Recently, in one of our many debates over the topic of tithing, my husband said to me, "Haven't I already given enough? I gave Him my daughter." At first I was shocked and upset because that is not the way I feel. But then I realized that I can't dishonor this statement, because it is the way that he feels. The truth of the matter is that, at times, the idea of "giving thanks" for anything after the death of a child can be difficult.

Today, on the second Thanksgiving we are spending away from our daughter, I give thanks t0 God for Emily Elizabeth Anne Eccles born on October 27th, just 12 days short of the one year anniversary of Brittney's journey home. May Brittney watch over her baby cousin just as she would if she were still here with us.

"Life is not about the breaths you take, it is about the moments that take your breath away" Author unknown

Discovering Messages in Memories...

2010-11-21T09:08:00.000-08:00

Feather fascination
after basketball practice freshman year:
Who knew she would have wings of her own
in just three short years?

Pop-up Memories

2010-11-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

It doesn’t get better, it just gets different.

It has been over a year since my sweet Brittney passed away. It was hard…no torturous… to inch toward the one year anniversary of her death. But in the same way, it was such intense relief to see that milestone slip behind me. On November 9th, a year and a day after the accident, I took a deep breath and moved on...again.

I have to admit that today I do function; a year ago I faked my way through participation in life. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult. The biggest challenge now is the frequent appearance of “pop-up” memories of the night she died. Out of nowhere, in the middle of a pleasant experience or a casual conversation, I often have a flashback to one of many moments I would prefer to forget…being woken up by Britt’s boyfriend to “Brittney’s been in an accident, we have to go to the hospital”…or the drive to the hospital during which Sean had the courage to NOT tell me how bad it was…or arriving at the emergency room door and asking the ambulance crew if this was the entrance, at which point they asked me if I was Brittney’s mom. When I said yes, they surrounded me and told me that she fought the whole way there…and I suddenly realized how bad it was. Or the point when I was escorted into the emergency room, barely standing on my own. I saw the gurney…surrounded by trauma center personnel, but just then a doctor turned to see me and said, “NO!”…a second person turned and said, “Get a priest.” How did they know we were catholic was my first thought. I was ushered to a private room. Stunned and numb, I barely remember the calls I made to family or what I said. I authorized surgery, threw up in the hospital restroom, and prayed.

Or the point at which the surgeon emerged to tell me that they had done everything they could, and I responded with, “but she is my only child…” I guess I thought that might make a difference, he might go back in and try one more time…but he didn’t.

Some of these “pop-up” memories aren’t even real, but perceived. I flash back to what I imagine it felt like for Brittney to be thrown 40 feet from the vehicle. What the ride in the ambulance was like for her…did she think of me; want me there? Her time in surgery…was she scared or at peace? Did she choose to go?

While I miss my Brittney terribly, my faith tells me that the pain I feel is not in vain. As difficult as this process is, I know there is light…and Brittney…at the end of the tunnel.

A New Life with a View

2010-09-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

God scooped me up and put me here...

what a way to heal!!!

Blissfully Blind

2010-08-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

As I looked into my aging cat's eyes today, I noticed a thin film and a lack of focus. It suddenly occured to me that she might be going blind. My first reaction was that if she loses her sight, her life will become difficult. Then almost immediately, the opposite thought hit me: Blindness can simplify life.

I have no experience with physical blindness, but I feel like I had my sight suddenly taken in another way. As a self-reliant person, and a moderate control-freak, I have always felt that I was in charge of my own destiny. When Brittney passed away, I lost all "sight" or sense of how to move forward. It was at this point that I became aware of the awesome power of blind faith.
My life became so much less complicated when I realized that someone far more competent and trustworthy than me is in charge.

Smile Challenge :)

2010-08-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

I found this graphic on another grieving parent's page under the caption The Smile Challenge, and identified with it immediately. I can't help but smile when I think of all the wonderful memories I have of Brittney's 17 years here. While the "here" part has ended for her and remains to play out for me, I know that the "there" part, when my time has arrived, will begin with the most awesome reunion!

Pet Grief

2010-08-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

Checkin' in on the Animals...

Brittney was our only child. While there are many things that intensify the situation because of this detail, for me, it has provided some sense of ease. It does bother me that I will never experience grandchildren...and that Mother's Day has a certain edge because a part of me no longer feels like a mother; but on the other hand, my husband and I have had the luxury of working through the initial devastation without the responsibility of helping other children through their grief. We do, however, have two pets whose whole lives were spent with Brittney in the house.

Rosco, our German Shepherd is 10 years old, and Baby Kitty is 14. I wonder sometimes, if they are feeling the loss. In some ways, I think this is silly...Brittney would have graduated from high school and headed off to college this year. She was such a free and independent spirit, I don't doubt that visits home would have been few and far between. Still, there are indications that both animals are very aware of the emptiness left in the family.

Rosco perks his ears straight up at the mention of her name. Early on, I said to him a couple of times, "Where did our Brittney go?" after which he looked around the house for her and eventually gave up with what seemed like sadness and confusion. I no longer do that in the likely case that he does realize she is gone, but does not understand why. Baby Kitty is my rock. If I have a flood of emotions, she senses it no matter where she is in the house. She comes running, jumps up on my lap and pushes herself hard against me. Whether or not our pets are grieving the loss of our daughter, I thank God everyday that He put these two creatures in our lives and allows them to provide us with such comfort during this time.

Things that make me smile...

2010-08-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

"TICKLE ME" MEMORIES
1. (12 years old) Brittney gave me a coupon for mother's day that was redeemable for two free mopings of the kitchen floor. She meant "moppings" but her dad and I always teased her when she would get into a mood that she was making good on one of those "mopings"
2. (4-8 years old) Butterfly kisses (eyelashes batted on each other's cheeks) and eskimo kisses (rubbing noses) every night before bed.
3. (3 years old) We had just moved into a new house and had very little in the refrigerator. While I was in the bathroom, the two neighbor dogs came to visit. Britt opened the door and determined they were hungry. She fed them each a cube of butter.
4. (4th grade) Girl's Night Out...every Wednesday, Britt and I went to a local restaurant with high backed booths and had appetizers and home-made root beer while she spread her homework across the table and we worked on it together for hours.
5. (teenage years) Listed under "heroes" on her MySpace page, Brittney wrote, "my mom...that's all"
6. (always) Her love for little kids
7. (always) She would make the sign of the cross every time she saw an animal dead along the road.
8 (always) Her zest for life...she lived it a hundred miles an hour, like she knew hers would be short.
9. (always) That she said "...love you mom" on a regular basis from the time she could talk to the day she passed away.

Running with Angels

2010-08-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

With a combination of stressful events in my life, I have developed some extremely bad eating habits and have temporarily eliminated exercise from my "to do" list. As I approach the big FIVE-O, I realize that if this pattern doesn't change now, I may be facing some serious health issues down the line. This morning, I decided to go for a jog to get the ball rolling. Since this is something I have not done in about ten years, I was a little nervous about how my heart (not to mention my body) would handle it.

The most amazing thing happened as I stepped onto the two-mile path by the river and began a slow, steady jog...I could feel my daughter jogging along side me. If I closed my eyes, I could even hear her footfalls and smell the shampoo she used to use. The amazing part wasn't that she was next to me; this happens often. When I am driving in the car, I feel her sitting in the passenger seat. Sometimes, I see her out of the corner of my eye, but if I turn to look, she is not there... So I am used to feeling that she is still close to me. The amazing part was that she was jogging...with no pain!

From the time Brittney was five years old, she played sports...soccer, t-ball then softball, volleyball, and basketball. When she was in the 6th grade, she experienced severe back pain which led us to discover that she had scholiosis. She wore a brace, dealt with the pain and played sports right through it. When she was a sophomore in high school, she had a growth spurt and the scholiosis hit a crisis point. She was scheduled for surgery the day after Christmas in 2007 and two metal rods were put in her back. Team sports had been such an important part of her life...and now that was over. For the last two years of her life, she didn't talk about it, but I could tell it bothered her that she wasn't able to be quite as active as she had been.

But on that jogging path there were no metal bars! Just Brittney...full of energy, encouraging me to keep up with her. I didn't feel tired, or sore or resentful about the extra 40 pounds I was dragging along that path with me. Instead, I felt like I was being carried by angel's wings...maybe I was.

B.S.

2010-08-09T11:54:00.001-07:00

In church this weekend, my pastor suggested that we reevaluate our own BS...that is "belief system." From that moment on, everything he said spoke volumes to me. Too often we live our lives according to a set of norms. We react to situations in a way that is considered NORMAL or appropriate. The heart of the message was that God wants so much more than that for us~He wants us to live extraordinary lives rather than ordinary ones.

It is normal for someone who loses a child to experience nothing short of complete devastation. This toxic cocktail of emotions is expected to include periods of deep depression, withdrawal, anger, guilt and unimaginable sadness. I have had bouts with all of these in the last nine months and, according to the "old timers" (those who have been in this club for awhile), it really doesn't ever get much better. Without discounting one bit of the intensity of the grief that accompanies the loss of a child, I realize that for me, this is B.S. (a belief system) that has to go!

If I BELIEVE that Brittney is in the hands of God, then my devastation and sadness are a direct contradicton. During her entire life, my number one priority was my daughter's happiness; shouldn't it be the same now? But how can I be sure she really is happy? This is how I know:

From the beginning of this horrific journey, I clung to God for strength. Just days after my daughter's tragic death, as I slumped on my knees sobbing in the shower, I asked God to please show me how Brittney was feeling at that very moment. I cannot fully describe the shock I felt when immediately, my whole body was seized with a sensation of pure joy~something like you would feel as you were descending from the highest point on a roller coaster with your hands flung high in the air. I have repeated this question on a fairly regular basis since that day, and each time, the physical response has been the same...and I praise God for that continued reassurance.

Shoes

2010-08-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

"I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others' eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some, like me, have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown"

During her brief lifetime, one thing that would guarantee a smile on my daughter’s face was shopping for shoes. In her teen years, these outings were some of my most treasured memories with Britt.
On November 8th, 2009, God gave Brittney a new pair of shoes. They are indescribably glorious. Providing comfort beyond words, these shoes are a pair I would not have been able to give her. They will never wear out or lose their brilliance, no one will have a pair
exactly like them, and she will not grow bored with them and want a different pair.
It is because of God’s gift to my precious Brittney that I gladly wear my painful shoes; this pain will not last forever…I know He has designed an incredible pair of shoes for me too.

The Aftermath

2010-07-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

OH WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES...OR DOES IT?

When I started this blog (with a few "how to" tips from my sister) more than a year ago, I was just about to embark on a new adventure with my teenage daughter, Brittney. She would be starting her senior year in high school, and I had been offered a job in Corpus Christi, TX...we had both been through a lot over the previous two years, and starting fresh in a place where the sun usually shines and the beach is out your back door sounded promising. I think when I titled this blog just a month before we made the move to Corpus Christi, I more or less WISHED to be on solid ground, and was determined to move forward from the circumstances that had shaken our lives in the recent past. I remember during this period of time feeling so determined, so faithful that God had a plan, and that plan would get us through anything...

I think if someone would have asked if there was anything that could knock me back down at that point, the only thing that I could have responded with would have been "only losing my daughter." On November 8th at 1:24 AM Corpus Christi time, God took my beautiful Brittney home. It was a car accident...it was one block from our home...her last words to me that night when she left were, "I love you mom."

As I stumbled back onto this blog, it was surreal. My daughter has been gone for months now, but through the grace of God, her spirit has not left my side for a minute. I would have been wrong about getting knocked down because God wouldn't have allowed it. As painful as it is at times...this is the plan~ and I am still on SOLID GROUND

R.I.P ~ BRJ

Blessings Before the Storm

2009-06-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

1. My family who would go to the ends of the Earth to help each other in times of need
2. My health
3. My new found ability to experience Faith
4. My beautiful & courageous daughter, Brittney, whose destiny is in the hands of God