When Faith Stops the Fall

Many parents who had lost children told me that the second year would be harder than the first...and they were so right. In the second year, I was no longer numb, no longer in denial, and was left with the full force reality that this is forever. As I was coming up on the one year anniversary of Brittney's death, I was not prepared for the setback that would hit me on November 8th and the months to follow. In my desperation I clung to what I knew was my only hope for peace...my heavenly Father.

It is overwhelming when I think about the change from this time last year. Just a month short of the second anniversary of my sweet angel's death, I feel the strength of the Holy Spirit on a daily basis. I love life, live in the light of the Lord, and look forward to each day knowing that Brittney is safe and living happily in the grace of God.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Mathew 19:14

Friends and Fireworks

Dear Brittney~

I remember the 4th of July being one of your favorite days of the year. You loved to go down to the lake with all your friends early in the morning and set out the blankets to save your spots for later when it would be packed with people. I have talked to some of your friends, and they are all heading down in the morning to lay out their blankets...and they are ALL thinking about you. They may not realize it, but I know exactly where you will be. So watch over them, keep them safe, and enjoy the firework show.

Love Mom

P.S. I know you already know this, but even though I miss you everyday...

I am totally OK now

The Good, the Bad, and the Bathroom: Floating in the Eye of the Storm

I consider it a sign of true healing that I can finally look back and think about those first months after Brittney's death without a surge of raw emotion. As the memories come into focus, I am noticing some interesting things. I lived those many months as if in a movie where the audio was running a second behind the video feed. Nothing was really in sync, and I always had a strange feeling that my mind was no longer fully connected to my body. At the time, I would have described it as "being numb" or "in a fog". Now, as I look at it with a more objective clarity, I am astounded at the beauty of that transitional period in my life.

The "bad" in the aftermath of Brittney's death needs little explanation. My whole world exploded into a million pieces in the space of three hours. My life would never be the same again; and at the time, it seemed like it had ended just as if it had been me in the accident that night. The "bathroom incident," which I just remembered for the first time resently, is a true reflection of how lost I felt during this period of my life.

By January following that ill-fated November night, my husband and I had come to a point where we moved through our daily lives in a muted existance...both clearly wrapped up in the kind of grief that leaves no room for words. On the way home from a job interview, we had stopped at a McDonald's to use the restroom, and I followed him silently into the building, so lost in my thoughts that I was barely aware of where I was going. It wasn't until I was behind Ryan at the stall door that I realized I had followed him right into the men's restroom. I was mortified, and turned immediately to make a quick exit. Unfortunately, I had to exit past the urinals where a man was frozen with the same morified look that must have been on my face. It was a sign to me about how truly disconnected I was. The beauty in this period of my life is just now revealing itself...not in the embarrassing, disconnected, numb experiences that overwhelmed me at that time, but instead from the protective light that I can see now as I look back to those trying months of my life.

I lived all of those moments in what can only be described as "the eye of the storm." At no other time in my life have I moved so perfectly forward, and at no other time in my life would that have seemed so impossible. It is beyond comprehension that in the middle of such an incredible storm, something peaceful, reassuring, glorious and graceful could have been taking place all around me. But as I look back now, it is crystal clear. God is, was, and forever will be my "eye of the storm". I will spend that rest of my life in awe of this miracle.

One Incredible Mother's Day

This is my second Mother's Day without Brittney. Last year at this time, I was still in a daze over her sudden departure from my life. I also struggled with the feeling that, since she was my only child, I may not even qualify any more as a true mother. I have realized over the course of the last year that the experience of motherhood can never be taken away.

This morning, I woke up to the familiar sound of an incoming text message....followed by another...and another...and another! This pattern went on for a good part of the day. These happy Mother's Day messages came from family, friends, past students and MANY of Brittney's close friends. They were filled with funny memories, assurances that Britt would be hovering over me all day today, and reminders of the wonderful relationship Brittney and I had. I briefly wondered if they had all gotten together and planned this bombardment of well wishes, but then I remembered that they were from a number of unrelated social groups in different locations. Regardless of how it happened, I consider it a Mother's Day miracle. None of those people can truly know how beautifully they have honored the memory of Brittney and helped me once again to feel the specialness of this day.*

Not MY Girly-Girl

Brittney could NEVER be described as "sugar-and-spice-and-everything-nice"....she was always most comfortable on a soccer field or basketball court or anywhere else she could showboat and be the center of attention. She was by no means a "girly-girl" and never was the slightest bit interested in formality or ceremony. I feel lucky to have these two precious pictures of times that she gave in to the high school social norms, and actually attended a formal dance. No...it was not her style; and yes...she is clearly out of her element as is obvious from her less-than-thrilled expression in both pictures, but I love that she had the experience. She didn't get a chance to receive her high school diploma, she didn't walk down the aisle with the man that she loved, and she didn't feel the joy of looking into the eyes of her first-born baby, but she was always a risk-taker. I am thankful that during her short time here, she wasn't afraid to live life...even when she wasn't in her comfort zone.

I MISS MY DAUGHTER; I LOVE MY LIFE

If I dropped something precious and it broke into pieces, I wouldn't go for the scotch tape or a glue stick to repair it. Yet that is what I have done all my life by following a path of self-reliance and one-dimensional faith. It was when I finally faced broken-ness that I couldn't attempt to fix on my own, that I first had the incredible experience of God's workmanship. He came in with steady hands and super-glue and restored the the pieces to a beautiful whole. I lost my precious Brittney and found a true relationship with God at the same time. I have thrown out the scotch tape, and am now turning it ALL over to the Man with the super-glue. In my whole life, I have never felt such peace. I miss my daughter...but I love my life of faith.

Embracing the Journey

Life is a journey...everyone can expect ups and downs, triumphs and trials. For me, it was the utterly unexpected...the unimagineable that shocked me into really taking a hard look at my own journey. The year prior to Brittney's death, she and I had faced some extreme challenges in our lives, both together and individually. Miraculously, everything that had been broken was on the mend at the time of her passing...and that wasn't an accident, it was truly devine intervention.

Over the past 18 months, I have definitely suffered the kind of grief that only those who have lost a child can really wrap their heads around, but at the same time, I have been given so many gifts from God that it overwhelms me just to think about it. At critical moments, I have experienced the kind of peace and inner joy that I didn't even know existed. I have not felt a second of loneliness since Brittney's death. At first I thought that was because God allowed Brittney's spirit to stay right next to me, to help me with the pain. Now I realize that it was God Himself who has remained so close to me all this time. I was also able to relocate over 2500 miles, put my daughter to rest, re-strengthen my strained marriage with the love of my life (Brittney's dad), find a wonderful new place to live, get a job that I love, and find a church that I would be lost without....all this within the first six months after this devastating loss. I know without a doubt that was orchestrated by God, not me!

God has picked me up and guided me in the right direction. He has led me to people and places that are clearly integral pieces to finishing this beautiful puzzle. He reminds me on a daily basis that my journey is not over, and that as difficult as it may seem at times, I need to finish the race...and He will be right by my side when I do.