One Sweet Dream...

For the past six months, the dreams have been relentless. Throughout my life, I had rarely remembered my dreams...and even after Brittney's death, that remained the same. But coming up on my daughter's one year angelversary, this changed drastically. Here's the weird part: The dreams are fast-moving and feel like they last all night, yet I never wake up. I remember vivid (and strange) details throughout the next day. While the events that take place in these dreams are a mix of ordinary events, bizarre happenings, and on occasion, borderline nightmare material, they rarely have anything to do with trauma that has gone on in my life. The biggest issue when this all started was that I would wake up exhausted like I had been up all night, and then I would obsess the entire next day about what it all meant. I went to my doctor, was referred to a specialist, saw a counselor and was prescribed medication. While none of this stopped the dreams, I have been able to accept the pattern and dismiss the dreams each morning. Since I stopped allowing them to attack my psyche, the dreams no longer get the best of me.

While most of these dreams have made absolutely no sense to me and don't seem to connect to anything in my real life, there was one sweet exception. In this dream, I was in the shower getting ready for work. Brittney was sitting, legs extended, on the edge of the tub with the shower curtain draped over her shoulder. She was persuasively reeling off all the reasons I should call in sick to work that day so she and I could go shopping. I objected over and over (just like I had done countless times in the last few years of her life when she played the "get mom to take me shopping" game). But it all ended the way it always did...with Brittney saying, "you know you want to!!!" and me caving in....because she was right, I really did want to!

Brittney was so amazingly real in this dream that when I woke up, I wasn't sure that it hadn't really happened. This is the only time I have dreamt of Brittney since her death, but it has also triggered memories of a series of startling dreams I had about Brittney and I when she was just a little girl. I know better than to let all this take up space in my brain and make me feel crazy, but I have decided to pack it all away in the back of my mind, and wait for the answers (if there are any) to come.

Lived life....and loved to laugh

Oh YES...there were times when her high jinx were over the top. I had to go into her school more than once for "situations" that had quickly gone bad as the adults in charge had failed to appreciate the humor. As a teacher myself, I definitely know that harmless fun from a kid's point of view can very quickly turn into disruption and chaos in the classroom. The reprimands she received at school and at home in these cases pretty much fell on deaf ears. It was a part of her spirit...who she was.

Now, as I browse through memories on a daily basis, these are some of the ones that surface quickly to the top and replay over and over. My Brittney's sense of humor was golden. When I think about all the fun we had during her short lifetime...all the hilarious things she said and did, and all the rooms she lit up with her personality, I just can't help but smile.

When I ran across this picture recently, I had to laugh out loud. This is Brittney making fun of my "WAY too eighties" leather backpack that I carried to and from school each day. I don't know where that backpack went to, but if I could find it, I would use it every day again just to remember how mortified she was that I actually went out in public with that thing on my back!

I love you, Britt! Your smile and laughter will forever stay in my heart and mind.

A CHILD'S-EYE VIEW

With my mind still on the book Heaven is For Real, I keep thinking about a strong message that came through to me regarding how much Jesus loves and protects children. I consider myself a child of God, and would have normally interpreted that as applying to me and all believers...but this message was more than that. It was about a "quality" of belief; a "child-like" acceptance from a population that doesn't know how to doubt, or worry, or grieve.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 (NIV)

Heaven is for Real

I just finished reading Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo, about his four-year old son Colton's amazing reports of having been to Heaven during a life threatening surgery. As a child-loss mom, I found so many important reassurances in those pages. I have always been certain of Brittney's salvation, but during her nearly 18 years of life, we rarely spent more than a few days apart...never more than a week. Being away from her this past year has been extremely difficult. Reading this book gave me sort of a feeling of getting a "letter from camp" about what a wonderful time she is having. This is a must read!

SKYPE

If I could Skype to Heaven,
I’d do it every day.
We’d talk about the weather,
You’d see that I’m OK.
We’d laugh about old memories;
Relive those times we had.
We’d know that God had purpose
In times that seemed so bad.
We’d talk for long, long hours,
Not wanting it to end,
We’d make plans for tomorrow
When we’d Skype together again.
Technology's amazing,
But Heaven beyond its scope,
May our bond forever strengthen,
Through blind faith, and love, and hope!
                              ~Traci Eccles

PEACE

Peace - free slideshow
Still putting together the "pieces"...
On the night of Brittney's death, her dad was 2,400 miles away in Washington state. Everything had happened so quickly, I didn't even call him until after she had passed. The shock and devastation he felt when I made that gut-wrenching call is indescribable.
Earlier that night (about the time of the accident), Ryan had run across an old laptop that we hadn't used for years. Out of curiosity, he booted it up to see whether it still worked. As it came to life, a file opened and pictures started popping up on the screen. This had never happened before and he found it odd, even without the knowledge that something catastophic was happening in Corpus Christi, Texas that would change our lives forever. The pictures on the screen were of Brittney and her friends, many of which featured Britt with a big smile displaying a peace sign.
In thinking about that incident later, Ryan and I were both convinced that it was Brittney's way to say goodbye to her dad, and to let him know she was at peace. Over the past year, I have continued to run across pictures of Brittney with that familiar peace sign. Strangely, I hadn't noticed what a constant theme this was for her. I can't help but feel there is much more to this sign than I realize. One thing that I know is that my angel, Brittney, IS at peace with the Lord!

The Christmas Maze

This morning I tried to re-ignite some of the old feelings I had as a child at Christmas time, but as hard as I tried (mostly just to see if I could), it didn't work. I can easily recall the memories...I just can't reach the feelings. It is such an odd phenomenon...as if the switch that connected anything positive to the holidays has been turned off.
So I resign myself to "what it is...." This year, and the years to come, I will enter the maze as the holidays near. I will expect a feeling of progress only to be met with constant dead ends, waves of isolation and frustration, and the knowledge that regular back-tracking will just be part of getting through the season. Eventually, the end of the maze will appear and I will be able to move forward through another year.