It doesn't matter how much time goes by...nothing makes this fair, or helps it make sense, or dulls the pain. I want my baby back! I can't figure out what I have ever done to deserve this. It is a fate that can not be trumped by any card...to outlive your only child, and to have to suffer the pain for the rest of your earthly existence. How can this possibly be God's plan? Please Lord...give me some insight.

Figuring out the weak spots....

Since Brittney's death, I have clung to every opportunity to talk about her, look at pictures, pour through memories.... This is all visual, and I am fine with visual. Now that the fog has cleared, I am starting to recognize my weak points when it comes to dealing with the death of my only daughter...my sweet angel. One thing I can say for sure is that SMELLS bring me to my knees. It took three years before I was ready to start going through the boxes of Brittney's things. God has blessed me with a wonderful family...my sister and niece who boxed everything up after Britt's death and stored everything in their garage until I was ready for it. My parents who took the trip across many states from Washington to Texas to pack it all home when I finally was ready. It has been a long and painstaking process going through all the boxes and sorting through treasures since they made that trip in October. This week, I unpacked a box of Brittney's bedroom items. When I pulled out a pillow sham that was on her bed the night she died, I immediately caught a distinct whiff of her. How that beautiful smell stayed for more than three years, I have no idea, but it took the wind right out of me. I know that the pain will never completely end, but this experience reminded me that I am one smell, memory, sound away from the first night that I realized I would never hold my baby again. Coping is a process...progress comes and goes.

Time rolls on, and the mirror doesn't lie...but photo editor can fib a little!

Thank goodness, from the time she could operate one, Brittney was a camera junkie!  There are countless photos and videos of she and I, she and her friends, and quite often, a photo-shoot of her, done by her.  There are so many of these treasures, that I continue to find them almost four years after her death.  I have become accustomed to always posting profile pictures that include Brittney with me; it just helps me feel like she is still here and that has been an amazing coping tool.  Unfortunately, I continue to age, and considering the stress that naturally takes up residence in anyone who has lost a child, I am aging a little more rapidly now!  When I look in the mirror, I notice that I am quickly losing the youthful appearance that I was able to maintain before I lost my only child.  However, I recently discovered that technology offers a cheat!  Photo editing tools now offer a way to remove wrinkles, blemishes and basically any overt sign of aging from your photos.  I used to depend on Brittney for all my technological needs...she would be so proud of me for figuring this one out for myself!  I love and miss your larger-than-life personality Brittney, but you will forever be on my mind and in my heart!

No Grief Hangover~

Approaching Mother's Day can feel something like tip-toeing through an obstacle course with land mines scattered strategically throughout.  You can hit it running in the hopes of "beating the odds" with a swift pace; or you can tread slowly and carefully, analyzing every step of the way in an attempt at prolonging your safety in the event of the dreaded misstep, followed by the inevitable explosion of emotion.  This year, I made it! I finally accept that the absence of my own child from my side does not remove my "Mother-ness." God gave me a beautiful and amazing child for a short time.  When he took her home, what remained within me was a lifetime of a mother's unlimited capacity to love.  Brittney's amazing circle of friends will faithfully remind me what she, and in turn I, brought to their lives.  It is an amazing truth that they never allow me to forget on Mother's Day, or any other day.  It brings such a sense of peace to wake up mornings after significant events of remembrance WITHOUT that grief hangover that followed me around like a lost puppy just two short years ago. I am thankfully in awe of how blessed my life has become through such a senseless tragedy.

GRIEF LIMBO

After two years and one month of pouring my tears and triumphs into blog posts, I stopped.  Just like that; no conscious decision, no thoughtful conclusion that it was time, no real awareness that it had happened at all.  How odd to think that nearly a year and a half passed and it did not occur to me to return to the coping mechanism that I credit as a major source of  healing.  Could it have been that I had completed the process...the grieving was over and I was moving on?  NO...for each of us who drew this most dreaded card in life, the grieving is never finished, the pain never gone. As I round the corner to the second half of year four, I feel compelled to share my experiences through blogging with a stage of the journey that I have decided to call GRIEF LIMBO. 

R.I.P.B.R.J.

Reflection...

Something in her eyes 
makes me think, "she knew"

"Someday" comes and goes...