GRIEF LIMBO

After two years and one month of pouring my tears and triumphs into blog posts, I stopped.  Just like that; no conscious decision, no thoughtful conclusion that it was time, no real awareness that it had happened at all.  How odd to think that nearly a year and a half passed and it did not occur to me to return to the coping mechanism that I credit as a major source of  healing.  Could it have been that I had completed the process...the grieving was over and I was moving on?  NO...for each of us who drew this most dreaded card in life, the grieving is never finished, the pain never gone. As I round the corner to the second half of year four, I feel compelled to share my experiences through blogging with a stage of the journey that I have decided to call GRIEF LIMBO. 

R.I.P.B.R.J.

Pet Grief

Checkin' in on the Animals...

Brittney was our only child. While there are many things that intensify the situation because of this detail, for me, it has provided some sense of ease. It does bother me that I will never experience grandchildren...and that Mother's Day has a certain edge because a part of me no longer feels like a mother; but on the other hand, my husband and I have had the luxury of working through the initial devastation without the responsibility of helping other children through their grief. We do, however, have two pets whose whole lives were spent with Brittney in the house.

Rosco, our German Shepherd is 10 years old, and Baby Kitty is 14. I wonder sometimes, if they are feeling the loss. In some ways, I think this is silly...Brittney would have graduated from high school and headed off to college this year. She was such a free and independent spirit, I don't doubt that visits home would have been few and far between. Still, there are indications that both animals are very aware of the emptiness left in the family.

Rosco perks his ears straight up at the mention of her name. Early on, I said to him a couple of times, "Where did our Brittney go?" after which he looked around the house for her and eventually gave up with what seemed like sadness and confusion. I no longer do that in the likely case that he does realize she is gone, but does not understand why. Baby Kitty is my rock. If I have a flood of emotions, she senses it no matter where she is in the house. She comes running, jumps up on my lap and pushes herself hard against me. Whether or not our pets are grieving the loss of our daughter, I thank God everyday that He put these two creatures in our lives and allows them to provide us with such comfort during this time.

B.S.

In church this weekend, my pastor suggested that we reevaluate our own BS...that is "belief system." From that moment on, everything he said spoke volumes to me. Too often we live our lives according to a set of norms. We react to situations in a way that is considered NORMAL or appropriate. The heart of the message was that God wants so much more than that for us~He wants us to live extraordinary lives rather than ordinary ones.

It is normal for someone who loses a child to experience nothing short of complete devastation. This toxic cocktail of emotions is expected to include periods of deep depression, withdrawal, anger, guilt and unimaginable sadness. I have had bouts with all of these in the last nine months and, according to the "old timers" (those who have been in this club for awhile), it really doesn't ever get much better. Without discounting one bit of the intensity of the grief that accompanies the loss of a child, I realize that for me, this is B.S. (a belief system) that has to go!

If I BELIEVE that Brittney is in the hands of God, then my devastation and sadness are a direct contradicton. During her entire life, my number one priority was my daughter's happiness; shouldn't it be the same now? But how can I be sure she really is happy? This is how I know:

From the beginning of this horrific journey, I clung to God for strength. Just days after my daughter's tragic death, as I slumped on my knees sobbing in the shower, I asked God to please show me how Brittney was feeling at that very moment. I cannot fully describe the shock I felt when immediately, my whole body was seized with a sensation of pure joy~something like you would feel as you were descending from the highest point on a roller coaster with your hands flung high in the air. I have repeated this question on a fairly regular basis since that day, and each time, the physical response has been the same...and I praise God for that continued reassurance.