B.S.

In church this weekend, my pastor suggested that we reevaluate our own BS...that is "belief system." From that moment on, everything he said spoke volumes to me. Too often we live our lives according to a set of norms. We react to situations in a way that is considered NORMAL or appropriate. The heart of the message was that God wants so much more than that for us~He wants us to live extraordinary lives rather than ordinary ones.

It is normal for someone who loses a child to experience nothing short of complete devastation. This toxic cocktail of emotions is expected to include periods of deep depression, withdrawal, anger, guilt and unimaginable sadness. I have had bouts with all of these in the last nine months and, according to the "old timers" (those who have been in this club for awhile), it really doesn't ever get much better. Without discounting one bit of the intensity of the grief that accompanies the loss of a child, I realize that for me, this is B.S. (a belief system) that has to go!

If I BELIEVE that Brittney is in the hands of God, then my devastation and sadness are a direct contradicton. During her entire life, my number one priority was my daughter's happiness; shouldn't it be the same now? But how can I be sure she really is happy? This is how I know:

From the beginning of this horrific journey, I clung to God for strength. Just days after my daughter's tragic death, as I slumped on my knees sobbing in the shower, I asked God to please show me how Brittney was feeling at that very moment. I cannot fully describe the shock I felt when immediately, my whole body was seized with a sensation of pure joy~something like you would feel as you were descending from the highest point on a roller coaster with your hands flung high in the air. I have repeated this question on a fairly regular basis since that day, and each time, the physical response has been the same...and I praise God for that continued reassurance.