Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Time rolls on, and the mirror doesn't lie...but photo editor can fib a little!

Thank goodness, from the time she could operate one, Brittney was a camera junkie!  There are countless photos and videos of she and I, she and her friends, and quite often, a photo-shoot of her, done by her.  There are so many of these treasures, that I continue to find them almost four years after her death.  I have become accustomed to always posting profile pictures that include Brittney with me; it just helps me feel like she is still here and that has been an amazing coping tool.  Unfortunately, I continue to age, and considering the stress that naturally takes up residence in anyone who has lost a child, I am aging a little more rapidly now!  When I look in the mirror, I notice that I am quickly losing the youthful appearance that I was able to maintain before I lost my only child.  However, I recently discovered that technology offers a cheat!  Photo editing tools now offer a way to remove wrinkles, blemishes and basically any overt sign of aging from your photos.  I used to depend on Brittney for all my technological needs...she would be so proud of me for figuring this one out for myself!  I love and miss your larger-than-life personality Brittney, but you will forever be on my mind and in my heart!

Monday, May 13, 2013

No Grief Hangover~

Approaching Mother's Day can feel something like tip-toeing through an obstacle course with land mines scattered strategically throughout.  You can hit it running in the hopes of "beating the odds" with a swift pace; or you can tread slowly and carefully, analyzing every step of the way in an attempt at prolonging your safety in the event of the dreaded misstep, followed by the inevitable explosion of emotion.  This year, I made it! I finally accept that the absence of my own child from my side does not remove my "Mother-ness." God gave me a beautiful and amazing child for a short time.  When he took her home, what remained within me was a lifetime of a mother's unlimited capacity to love.  Brittney's amazing circle of friends will faithfully remind me what she, and in turn I, brought to their lives.  It is an amazing truth that they never allow me to forget on Mother's Day, or any other day.  It brings such a sense of peace to wake up mornings after significant events of remembrance WITHOUT that grief hangover that followed me around like a lost puppy just two short years ago. I am thankfully in awe of how blessed my life has become through such a senseless tragedy.

Thursday, May 9, 2013


After two years and one month of pouring my tears and triumphs into blog posts, I stopped.  Just like that; no conscious decision, no thoughtful conclusion that it was time, no real awareness that it had happened at all.  How odd to think that nearly a year and a half passed and it did not occur to me to return to the coping mechanism that I credit as a major source of  healing.  Could it have been that I had completed the process...the grieving was over and I was moving on?  NO...for each of us who drew this most dreaded card in life, the grieving is never finished, the pain never gone. As I round the corner to the second half of year four, I feel compelled to share my experiences through blogging with a stage of the journey that I have decided to call GRIEF LIMBO. 


Something in her eyes 
makes me think, "she knew"

Wednesday, May 1, 2013